Confessions //

I’ve grown so weak. I’ve grown so stagnant. I’ve grown so encultured. I’ve Forgotten. I’ve padded myself to a tee with every material thing that I desire, excusing it as my mere “expression of creative self” when really it has it been selfish squandering? I am living on mission here, but am I doing it with 100% of my heart aflame, or just half of it? Have I gotten caught in a self-induced tangle of heart complacency as ive masked it with all of my ‘doing’? Where is my fire? Stoke it up, Jesus. Stoke it up.

Am I really living for today or am I running on the fumes of yesterday’s glory? Am I really in that place of dependency enough to say “I will go for an undetermined amount of time” or to willingly offer up my body by holding fast to your words rather than the toxic deception of the crowds. Oh Lord, will I go and lay it down enough to say, “okay, well I forego my dreams and I let you take hold”… or will I just go forth with plans rigid already predetermined in my own eyes? Will I serve deeply, even when it’s hard? Will I resist temptation when it creeps in to derail? Will I seek the Word to the point that it saturates my being? Will I respond? Will I say yes? Will I do the hard thing?

I don’t want to be deceived. I don’t want to be deceived! Oh Lord, help me—save me from myself. This is my plea, oh Abba. I know that your eye is upon me—and the weight of your glory is unreal! Hallelujah! I just don’t want to forget you…I don’t want to forget from where I’ve come and to where I’ve been called. Am I truly willing to forego everything for the sake of the kingdom? Everything. Normalcy. Comfort. Plans. Friends. Worldly freedoms. Health. Sleep. Beauty. Reputation. Community. Lord, truly: what in this life are you calling me to? I commit my Spirit into your hands and I say that I vow to be used; to take the road less traveled to the village unknown. To love on the lepor and to be obedient even unto death. What it may be Jesus!

I have forgotten. Therefore, I have been living in my state of forgetfulness. I have been spending your money on worthless things, not praying with desperation on a consistent basis, idolizing my conjured projection of a house and wedding and family. Maybe its all a flicker of disobedience in my head, but I have felt it moving into the core of my heart lately, like a poison. The whole idea of “ oh well, I don’t really care…” NO. I rebuke carelessness and burn out in Jesus name! NO! I declare obedience and a reawakening of a wartime mentality! Oh Jesus, Help me! I need you! Less of me, God. More of you! None of me, God—all of you! Come like a mighty rushing wind and do what you want to! Have your way in me—my , mind, my heart. My body. My dreams. YOURS.

I wave my white flag in surrender—Maranatha. May nothing else matter. May I not become distracted. Keep me back from presumptuous sins. Am I willing to go far an wide for you and with you? Oh Abba, I must decrease and you must increase. Changing me by the transformative renewal of my mind by filling every fiber of my being with a hunger and thirst for you! I don’t need to have it all figured out before I respond. I don’t need 10 confirmations. I have the Great Commission. I believe heaven is real and hell is real and I will lose my life to tell people that there is a hope in the midst of it all. There is a famine in the land of the nations and I will go to give my life for those who have never heard…and that is a joy, not a sacrifice. I will go because I have a Spirit of adoption inside of me, so I will love the orphaned and widowed. I want to see the fulfillment of the great Commission in this generation. There is no better cause to lay my life down for. One of the greatest pitfalls of the last days is that we as a church will let love grow cold. That will not be me. No, I will honor. Help me to honor! I walk in my permission to pack my bags, Get a one way ticket and spend my life. You are simply looking for someone to show up and you do the rest. You use at the weak and shamed to do your work!

I want to be a new man and set aside my old self. I want to be a slave and surrender all my dreams and forget I ever even had them, to lie inside of yours. I want to be forgotten and be fully eclipsed in the gospel and its sweetness. That and Nothing more. I want to be a dead man, just a body you can live in. I want to be your prized possession. That and nothing more. Of course it costs everything: you are worth everything.
Spencer MargaretComment